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today i thought:
06.26.01
"it was then that Delirium noticed that she had absentmindedly transformed herself into a hundred and eleven perfect, tiny, multicolored fish. each fish sang a different song. and as she put herself back together again, unable for the moment to remember whether the silver flecks went in the blue eye or the green one, she decided that a dog would be a nice thing to have. and then it occurred to her that there had been a dog around at some point, hadn't there? a nice doggie. and she went off to look for it, trailing occasional fish ..."
- Neil Gaiman, The Kindly Ones
*gathers up a few stray fishies* ...nice doggies make my job better. most doggies, however, make my job hell. i am over worked, under paid, under appreciated, poor and in need of somewhere in the ballpark of $8 grand. i hate money and want it to be august. wah wah wah. i'm so whiny. must be from working in the kennels with all the freakin' canines.
06.04.01
"...the world itself has changed. There was a time when a traveller, if he had the will and knew only a few of the secrets, could send his barge out into the Summer Sea and arrive not at Glastonbury of the Monks, but at the Holy Isle of Avalon; for at that time the gates between the worlds drifted within the mists, and were open, one to another, as the traveller thought and willed. For this is the great secret, which was known to all educated men in our day; that by what men think, we create the world around us daily new."
\the mists of avalon (marion zimmer bradley)
we do. really. we do.
05.18.01
and thus quoth amichan:
"delirium: his madness....his madness keeps him sane.
dream: and you think he is the only one, my sister?"
life....gets a little nuts sometimes. the rest of the time, it's sheer insanity, too. that's just how things are. but ya know, you really have to just kind of...deal. i mean, i've had some weeks...hell. i've had some months. years, even. that basically, life just kept kicking me. it still happens, occasionally. sometimes it feels like the bones that broke when life kicked the bejesus outta me never quite healed, so when the weather's just right, or i bump it the wrong way...it's all right there with me again. but you know all this. a close grrlet of mine told me a while ago that she has yet, in the almost eight years we've been grrls, to hear me say something important or of consequence that the person to whom i was speaking did not already know, in a fashion. i'm a dealer in old news, and mistress of the obvious. it's what i do. perhaps that's why i have boys that are twenty-something and having grrl problems come and ask little nineteen year old me, (who can count the boys that have loved her on half of one hand...maybe three-quarters. maybe.) for advice. perhaps that's why you come here, however often you come here...just to see what i have to say today. i must admit my brain has been active, but my home computer is slightly...um. busted. so my updates are few and far between, and i apologize to whatever loyal following i may have earned for myself for my slackings. but regardless...why DO you come here? i don't know...i wonder sometimes why for some reason, people are interested in hearing what they already know from me. i'm not nearly as eloquent as say, amanda (kisses, urchin) and she is certainly more entertaining. i'm not nearly as insightful as maybe rachael or gretchen (my grrls!!) kira's got me topped in the humor department, and sean has become my equal in sarcasm (scary, ne?) a certain boy tells me that it's because i "give them the time of day." to be perfectly honest, he has a tendency to be right about that sort of thing, so i'm slightly inclined to believe him. maybe it's just that i'm willing to sit here and babble at you...my quasi-captive audience, and let your mind boggle at my unwillingness to truly finish my own sentences, and speak in questions, and tell you things you already know, but sometimes need to hear from someone who isn't you for a change. any reflection on this subject would be highly appreciated. you know where the guestbook is, ichiban.
04.21.01
and thus quoth amichan:
"This life has been a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received actual instructions on where to go and what to do."
\my so-called life.
decisions decisions...i made a few this weekend. so far guys, st. joe's is a little ahead of la salle in the "school punky is most likely to attend" camp. made a few others which will be ranted about on a secret little page that i have. unlinked...if you are not priviliged to have the link, then you have no reason to see what is there. it concerns MY people. or just more of me than i like for everyone to see...kinda like nudity...its a personal thing. but yeah....i hate making decisions. i feel like my life hangs in the balance. it's a frustrating sort of thing to go through. but it sure beats the hell out of indecision, or surrendering my free-will...so i suppose that i'll live. oh and BY THE WAY! i got this sick, crass, and offensive IM today from this ass "jtwcupa" and told him off. felt good. i ought to yell at stupid people more frequently. it makes me feel mad mad better.
this weekend was so wonderful, that i can barely even begin to articulate how slightly-high i'm feeling. mad bliss in the amichan camp, guys! sheer insanity. i've got nine more days of actual classes, not counting weekends or finals...so that's good news. papers to write, and presentations to plan though. i also need a job. *rolls eyes* see this is why i hate capitalism. i can't get a real job, unless i go to college...but i have to PAY for college, which means i must make $$...and making money = getting a job. getting a job= less time to devote to college. you see my point? good. i'm done now.
04.17.01
and thus quoth amichan:
Bodies are strange. Some people have real problems with the stuff that goes on inside them. You find out that inside someone you know there's just mucus and meat and slime and bone. They menstruate, salivate, defecate and cry. You know? Sometimes it can just kill the romance. You know that?
\Eve, in Fables and Reflections; SANDMAN.
i have this maternal thing. it's probably the most frustrating and contradictory aspect of myself, at least from where i'm sitting. people come to me, and you know college kids...we're a little prone to whining. and bad diets. and poor habits. and the occasional poor decision. so someone always has something bugging them. nobody likes to admit how very much like strangers we can be, just inside our own bodies. and i mean, i've had pretty much everything. i'm an immuno-freak. scarlet fever at age 8; mononucleosis at age 18 months; the occasional bout with cold sores; depression; alleged "emotional anorexia/bulimia"; ADD; the flu; chicken pox (twice.);salmonella (no, i don't want to talk about it.)...i mean, between my kid brother and i, there's very little that we haven't had. so you know.."nurse amichan" has this tendency to don her uniform and clipboard, and go on a holy war against the evils of illness. but really, i'm not all that nurturing, i don't think. i give people a hard time. on purpose. especially if i think that they don't know how to handle it, or how to handle me. i'm just not ...nice. i CAN be, i mean, when i have to be. or when i want to be...but nice is just not how i naturally am. and really, there are few people who are genuinely nice that i can STAND. everyone i love has (at least) this little evil sparkle inside somewhere. its really pretty lovely, that little sparkle. evil is often shiny, i guess, and we all know how i get with glitter. so i'm not a nice grrlet. that much we all know. but then i get a phone call, or an IM, or an email...people not doing that well, and something inside of me just goes, *pop* but not that satisfying bubblegum bubble sort of *pop* or the theraputic bubble wrap sort of *pop* its more like the sound my knuckles make when i crack them. something like that anyway.
so whatever it is goes *pop* and suddenly i'm everyone's mom. and i mean, i like OTHER people's kids...but the prospect of MY OWN scares the bejesus out of this little grrlet. but i feel that way anyway, and i really don't know if i like that...i develop this ridiculous emotional affectation, and cliche concern for the wellbeing of others...it makes me feel mildly schizofrenic. which i can't spell...but oh well..you can deal. seriously folks, i'm just as psychologically messed up as the NEXT grrlet who happens to be the product of a provincial town's sick joke of a "public education," or the next grrlet who happens to be a product of an "unhealthy family life" but i guess maybe that's just it...that isn't what i want to be a PRODUCT of. i want to be a product of something GOOD...you understand, ne? its really kinda hard knowing that no matter who i'm talking to, no matter how i feel about them, that there's a part of me that wants to be a mom to them, or at least some kind of older sister. i mean, universal vulnerabilities like that are charming in THEORY...but in practice...its really pretty aggravating.
i suppose it is one thing to get all maternal on the asses of my loved ones...to want to "make it better" to give them the snoopy bandaid or whatever they need to get whatever hurts to knock it off....but when its people that i just flat out can't stand..or worse, when its people that i'm fairly certain i can't TRUST...i feel a little naked...ya know? *sigh* i'm rambling again, aren't i? yes. i am. i shall stop now. please ignore me...chances are, i won't even remember all this about 20 minutes from now, anyway.
04.05.01
and thus quoth amichan:
Schmendrick the Magician: "She will remember your heart when men are fairy tales in books written by rabbits. Of all unicorns, she is the only one who knows what regret is - and love."
\the last unicorn
amichan = really fucking pissed. this is really not the place for me to mention my highly personal matters, so i'm not gonna go into details about it. i'm feeling resentful and angry and frustrated towards just one person...and everyone else is making me insanely happy. the weather is too nice for me to feel this grumpy. bah! if you feel like listening to a little grrlet scream and cry, feel free to drop me a line. i'll be happy to oblige. that is all for today, cherubs!
04.04.01
and thus quoth amichan:
"Well, there was this doggy. He was a very clever doggy. He said things like...like...'I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of suggested options.' He said that. I only remembered it. In my head." \Delirium, in The Kindly Ones.
have you ever noticed something...unreal...? in the people around you? have you ever looked at them, and felt like they were color vaccuums? like they were gray and gray and gray, and that the whole world was the same to them, and all they do is sit and stare and take notes? like they're made out of metal? not robots, really...just...empty people? yeah. i feel like Delirium. i feel like i'm taking my floating fishies for walks and singing to myself, and displaying this awe at the whole world around me (for the good things, and the bad equally) and they're just like, "who IS that small-ish grrlchild, and MUST she get so fucking enthralled with things? i mean, really. what IS her problem? what a fucking child! go color, sparklegrrl!" its really cramping my style. we all have days where we want things to just follow the fucking rules for a change. i know i do, anyway. but most of the time, it entertains me that we keep trying to put the whole world in a big cardboard box, and it just won't stay there. deliriously....i mean! seriously, goslings! i'm sure that all of you are just as anti-establishment, anti-rules, anti-everything else, and pro-cynicism, pro-monotone, pro-bored with the world as i am. but the weather is intoxicating today, and really, mango water ice tastes a lot better when you're wearing your favorite tank top. i mean that. so why the sullen look? i guess the people who have to force the whole "act" because it's what is "cool" disturb me less than the kids who just never bother. i'm having a delirium day. me and del, we go waaaaay back. back even before i knew her. in all honesty, i think she and i need to talk a lot more often. i've been hanging with destiny, her older brother, way too much lately. dream, del, and i need to go out to a pet store, or something. death could come along. if she had the time. i dunno...i think it's time to stop.
04.03.01
today's quote is from The Last Unicorn. (i'm feeling oldskool. deal.)
and thus quoth amichan:
"Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story...there are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends."
i have come to the conclusion, however erroneous it may or may not be, that people really ought to stop the whole external locus of control. i am just as guilty of this as anyone else...but i am making large efforts to knock it the fuck off. really, sometimes it does feel good to feel high, and righteous saying that "i am a VICTIM! look how mistreated i am. look at how much other people HURT me. look at how shiny, and beautiful, and tragic, and glamourous i have become, because i am a martyr!" and sometimes, that attitude is required...but only as a step in the process. if you, or i, or anyone else remains on that level of operation, however, the result is always going to be the same; you will end up convincing yourself that you are truly powereless...impotent. you have no control over your life, no influence over how you feel. you render yourself incapable of effecting change upon the outside world. there is a great deal of unnecessary pain and self-loathing down that road. granted, you won't be lonely...there is never a lack of company to bestow upon you their unending pity and contempt. i promise.